The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
