You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
