please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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