youre lurking in front of me
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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