Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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