It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
