the condom got lost in my hair
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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