When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
