I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Randomize
