Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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