I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
