The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
