ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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