just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
