I don't usually arrange sex via text message
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
