you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
