I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
