Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
