Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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