Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm like, not good at living.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
