i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
