so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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