I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
