i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
