peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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