clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
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i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
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I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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