Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
