Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
