why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
