Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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