Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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