I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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