I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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