Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
