I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
