i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
