my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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