why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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