I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
