i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
