Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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