At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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