It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
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Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
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Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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