No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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