we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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