turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
