So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
