Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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