someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
