I wanna bring you to show and tell
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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