Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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