You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
