i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
