I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
