Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
