My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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